Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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