just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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