the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Can I color on your dick again?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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