i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
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