Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize