Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
