whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
