I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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