mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize