Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize