so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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