It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
