I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
