ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Randomize
