well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
