Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
