so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
