there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
