ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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