I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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