hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
