a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Boobs speak an international language.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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