On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize