I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
