your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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