I just saw a hot homeless man
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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