I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
