I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My cat gives me a boner
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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