Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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