you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
