I hate all girls vehemently.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize