a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
