Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
