Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
