May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
