Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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