she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
