drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
