You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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