you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
