I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
