Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
