Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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