RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
