I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
