just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
