booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
