She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
