Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
