When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
