Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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