God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
