Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
