please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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