I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
