i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize