Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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