when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
that may or may not have been my penis.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
