i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
