Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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