We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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