Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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