I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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