if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
