I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
